Today’s parents are often forced to choose between teaching their children to do the right thing and giving them the best possible chance of succeeding in life. That is the consequence of a society in which being moral, diligent, kind and fair is far from always rewarded.
People often say that your views on parenting change once you have children of your own. As an expectant parent, I expected as much. What I did not expect was the constant tension between conventional morality and giving my children the tools they need to succeed in contemporary society. Time and again, it becomes clear that the two are no longer aligned. Modern society is full not only of people who benefit from doing the wrong thing, but, more troublingly, of people who do everything right and lose anyway.
A Large Vocabulary Is Valued Only in Theory
We talk endlessly about the importance of knowledge and education. Yet when a friend attended a parent-teacher meeting, she was encouraged to “use less advanced language” with her son. His vocabulary was making the other children feel inadequate.
Unfortunately, it is probably the staff rather than my friend who are responding rationally to the incentives of the system. A rich vocabulary is admired only in theory. In practice, competence often carries remarkably little value. Investment in higher education frequently fails to pay off. Influencers and celebrities are granted the same authority as Nobel Prize winners.
Even governing a country appears not to require formal education. Many ministers lack university degrees. What matters instead is loyalty and ideological conformity. As the old saying goes: “To think freely is admirable; to think correctly is greater.”
When Truth Loses to Narrative
We are often told that children need to learn the value of hard work. Yet research in occupational and environmental medicine suggests that employees who are competent, driven and committed to doing things properly are also more likely to become targets of workplace bullying.
Those who refuse to settle for mediocrity are often pushed aside. Under such conditions, maintaining a strong work ethic can begin to seem almost irrational.
We teach children not to lie. Yet public life repeatedly demonstrates that falsehoods can be rewarded while inconvenient truths are punished. Those who tell compelling stories are often celebrated; those who challenge them are frequently marginalised.
As long as society allows narratives to triumph over facts, should we really be surprised when people conclude that dishonesty is a useful skill?
The Polite Make Way for the Rude
In nursery and primary school, children are taught to wait their turn, show consideration and treat others with respect. Yet in adult life, those who wait patiently are often pushed aside, while the rude and demanding receive attention first.
Public institutions increasingly adapt to disruptive behaviour rather than reinforcing social norms. The lesson absorbed by many is simple: those who make the most noise get what they want.
Perhaps, then, we ought to teach our children to be louder, more demanding and more aggressive in pursuing their interests?
We Punish Whistleblowers
“Some things simply have to be done, otherwise you’re not really a human being,” we tell ourselves.
Yet we also know that people who expose wrongdoing are often punished for doing so. Whistleblowers frequently pay a professional and social price for their integrity. The message society sends is therefore deeply contradictory: we praise courage in principle while penalising it in practice.
We Teach Submission Rather Than Self-Defence
In children’s stories, great strength is usually accompanied by great kindness. Reality is rather different.
Power is often used to intimidate, exploit or coerce. Yet despite this, we rarely teach children how to defend themselves effectively. On the contrary, we often teach them to retreat, accommodate and avoid confrontation. They learn to adapt rather than resist, to endure rather than challenge.
In many cases they are discouraged even from expressing negative judgements about others, regardless of whether those judgements are justified.
Are We Failing Our Children?
There is, therefore, a troubling possibility: that by raising children according to conventional moral ideals, we may inadvertently be placing them at a disadvantage.
Children who develop strong integrity, a robust moral compass and a commitment to fairness often find themselves operating in environments where those qualities are insufficiently valued. Their rights are more readily compromised, their freedom of movement becomes more restricted, and they carry heightened levels of anxiety into adulthood.
At the theatre, Arthur Miller’s The Crucible continues to resonate. Time and again, John Proctor attempts to do what is morally right, only to be accused of witchcraft and ultimately executed. The play’s central lesson remains painfully familiar.
“No good deed goes unpunished.”
Rarely has that observation felt more relevant.
This article was originally published in Smedjan (Timbro) on 12 October 2019.
